i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
