Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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