i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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