I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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