just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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