chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
dude i'm inner monologue high
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We got so high we made milksteak
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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