Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
