mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
