After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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