I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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