Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
