Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
