It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize