If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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