Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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