guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
