Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
