dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
