I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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