my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize