i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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