I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Houston, we have a blender
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
