I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Randomize
