Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
