Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
