If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
