she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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