fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
