when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
