There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
