Me too!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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