so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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