I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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