Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
