we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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