i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
