I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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