I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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