I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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