I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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