marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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