sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
