After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
