I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
