You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
