I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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