you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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