I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
