my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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