i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
