I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think I am morally bankrupt
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
