i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize