new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
