i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
