haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
