Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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