I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize