im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
