i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
