Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
