Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
