It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
