I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
