i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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