I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
