Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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